Today is my son's due date. He is almost a month old.
I read this out loud the day before I went into labor with great emotion to my unborn son. I find comfort in it every time I read it.
"Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are Your thoughts God! How vast is the sum of them" Psalm 139:7-17
After giving birth, I thought that was the worst part of my hospital stay. I thought, that was so painful I am not ever doing that again. Nothing prepared me for what came next.
I was holding him after he was born and I wanted to nurse, it was always my intent to nurse within the first hour. I had heard there is a better success rate with nursing and it's of course great for the baby. The nursing staff was busy running around. I kept asking "Can I nurse him now?" I remember asking a few times. I finally got a response and I continued to ask "Can I have help?" As a new mom I had no idea what I was doing. I was confused since I had to talked to my midwife from the beginning about doing this and they said that there would be a lactation consultant available. I had no help.
They took him for his initial vitals and such. He had excellent Apgar results, but his temperature was low and so were his glucose levels. They then preceded to give him formula to help with his glucose. I didn't want him to have formula, but I just wanted him healthy.
They kept him under the heaters while we were still in the delivery room. They wrapped him up in a few layers and a hat, and we were off to the post-delivery room.
I was so exhausted I can't remember every detail of that day. I remember trying to continually nurse him with no luck. I kept mentioning it to the nurse that he wouldn't eat as we transferred rooms and when we were in the new room. He hadn't eaten in probably 5 hours. The nurse came in at that point to check his glucose. Of course it was low- he hadn't eaten. They called lab to come up since his numbers were below 40.
They tried formula feeding him again. His blood sugar was so low he didn't have the energy to do anything. He wouldn't take it. The nurse said she had to go get a feeding tube. And comes the first heartbreak of being a mom. I watched her shove that feeding tube down his throat while he choked and coughed, and then choked and coughed once again as she injected formula through it. All I wanted to do was cry, but I just tried comforting him with my voice.
I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open, but all I wanted to do was hold him because I knew he was cold. I called my mom and asked her to come back to the hospital and I needed to sleep since I hadn't slept since Saturday night. Kyle was already asleep right next to me. I dozed off.
I woke up and looked around the room. My mom was sitting quiet in the room's rocking chair rocking Hudson. For a moment I felt better. Then the nurse walked in again with a mobile crib.
"Say goodbye we need to take him to the special nursery"
Wow. Overwhelming emotion for an overtired, scared, new mom. It has taken me a couple weeks to even think about this moment in my life without crying.
My mom stood up with tears and her eyes as she kissed his forehead and walked towards me. I was doing everything I could not to breakdown. I took him in my arms which felt less than a second. Kyle had been sleeping since before the feeding tube and had just woken up. I looked at him and held our son out to him and told him to say goodbye. Then I lost it. Kyle had no idea what was going on. I had no idea that Hudson would be okay. Kyle said goodbye and they took him away. I rolled over and sobbed, blaming them for not feeding him. I fell back to sleep.
I woke up to a room full of family. I felt numb and tried to not let my emotion show. My exhaustion blocks my memory of the rest of the day. They brought in a pump for me. I was so fatigued that I can't even remember if I got to see my son that night, or if I had to wait until the next morning. I believe it wasn't until the next morning.
I was feeling a little better the next day with some sleep. I was so excited to go visit the nursery and see my son. He was in a heating incubator with an IV in his arm wrapped in tape, and machines hooked up all over him. He had scabs all over his little feet from all of the pokes. My son must have been experiencing such pain, and there was nothing I could do to comfort him. I caught this quick reflex of a smile in the photo below. It was like a small reminder that he was a fighter, and he would push through this quickly.
I had the opportunity to hold him and feed him. He finally had an appetite. They let us come up every three hours for feeding time. His numbers slowly progressed for the better. I am so thankful for a great nursing staff. They made us feel welcome and that our son was in good hands.
They continued to poke him in his feet to check his glucose every time he ate and in-between. He was also borderline jaundice, which required filling a vile of blood every time they checked his levels. He was such a trooper and would only cry for a second. The tape was so tight around his little arm where his IV was, I could see where it was cutting into his skin.
He is such an impressive baby. I can't believe how well he did through all of his testing. It was a victory moment every time they were able to take him off of another machine. Everything finally resolved. He was in the NICU from Monday to Thursday, and we finally were able to take home a healthy little boy. He was perfect for being 4 weeks early. We are blessed it was only 4 days. We saw many sick babies there weren't able to experience a release so quickly; one being a 3 pound baby of a cancer patient. I loved being able to tell that mom how beautiful her daughter was.
I am so thankful for a healthy, strong, little guy. He is so amazing and I can't wait to watch him grow and see his personality come through.
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